


Junpei Dies At The End

by Shugarplumps



Category: Zero Escape (Video Games)
Genre: (The ship is mostly platonic and romantic if you squint), And alchohol, Basically a whole lot of crude humor, If you were offended by or didn't like John Dies At The End then avoid this like the plague, based off of a book, lots of death and blood, lots of drug mentions, smoking mention, swearing too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-19 19:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7373695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shugarplumps/pseuds/Shugarplumps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Listen, your Brazillian hooker here is going to leave with our crack real soon. You need to meet me where we sacrificed that cat. The black one that had three legs, not five."</p><p>It was secret code, obviously. In case the phone was bugged. It really meant 'Come over to my house. It's important.' </p><p>"Junpei, it's three in the fucking -"</p><p>"Oh, and remember, the password is 1103345."</p><p>A click.</p><p>That last part meant 'Buy me some cigarettes on your way over.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Junpei Dies At The End

**Author's Note:**

> John Dies At The End is a good book! And I thought I could put my own little spin on it with these two of all people. This is probably done somewhere, and mine is riddled with typos because I have no friends to beta read for me, but I hope you enjoy nonetheless.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A puzzle over the universe and the introduction to the daily lives of Junpei and Aoi.

_Solving the following riddle will uncover some of the most awful secrets the world has to offer. Assuming you don't go crazy trying to do it. Though, if you already know the Universe's secrets through either the means of insanity or deals with the devil or some awesome game of 'Truth or Dare' or whatever - good for you. You can skip this part._

_Let's say that you have an axe. It's a pretty shitty axe, admittedly. Though, you take this axe and on an unusually warm autumn's day, you use the axe to behead a man. Don't worry too much, though. He's already dead. Or maybe you should worry, since you were the one that put the bullet through his chest in the first place._

_He was a super twitchy, scrawny stick of a man. A gaze that suggested every corner even slightly covered in shadows drove him absolutely mad. His hair was a pretty good physical representation of how he probably felt._

_You're only cutting off his head because, despite the bullets through his stilled heart, you're half convinced at any moment he's going to snap open his terrified and shaking eyes and gouge your own eyes out with his nervously bitten finger nails._

_Today is just your lucky day, however. Since on the last swing of your crappy little axe, the handle in your palm breaks in two. It's actually your lucky day since you somehow avoided a single splinter. Though, now you have a broken axe, and some fake excuse to brush off the reddish stains on the wood._

_All of which is shown and told to some hardware store employee so he can help you get a new handle._

_It is accomplished, actually. And you head back home with your repaired axe and set it in your garage where it sits to gather dust._

_Until a brisk morning, on one of those days where winter is starting to feel like spring. Or maybe it's a crappy and cold spring day, but it's probably more crap when you spot the foot long sludge monster in your kitchen. Of course, after watching it snap your metal spatula in two, you brandish your axe._

_Only for the head to be consequently split down the middle along with the sludge demon monster. So after a bit of cleaning of grotesque sludge demon monster insides off of your kitchen counters and walls, you go to the store and replace the head on your axe._

_Though, when you arrive home, it's that moment that the man you killed last autumn comes bursting through the door. His head sewn back on with what looks to be barbed wire from the farm next door. A look in his decomposing eyes of "you murdered me" that many these days don't get to experience, sadly._

_Quickly, you pull out your recently repaired axe, and he slowly raises an arm to point towards you and the weapon you hold. Gurgled through his frozen lungs, he speaks -_ _"That's the axe that beheaded me!"_

_...is he right?_

 

That was the question that Aoi was pondering as he sat back in the plastic lawn chairs that were set up on the wooden porch of his house. The passing cold breeze running through his hair and brushing against his pale skin. The world is peaceful, as it slowly runs it's path without a care. Really, it's some of these moments that Aoi wondered if he should get a pipe and talk about philosophy. That answer was no, but...

Still, it was nice to savor times like these. His worn boots on the metal railing running around the creaking oak porch of his run down home. You didn't realize how nice some things were before they were -

His phone screeched against the calm. Quickly, his brow knitted with the other one, and he reached into his pocket and ignored the call without even glancing at it. The world went back to the sounds of trees being swayed by the wind and a small dog trying to clamor his way onto the plastic chair next to him.

It ended up with Gab laying on the floor next to the same plastic chair, but now knocked over onto its side. He almost laughed, if not the interruption soon after. 

Again, his phone. The ringtone was especially set by a certain friend for a certain friend. Why he'd made it some music box was unknown by him, but... He sighed, running one hand through his hair as he answered the phone with the other.

"Hello?"

"Aoi? Hey, it's Junpei."

He almost said something about how it would be weird if it wasn't, but he held his tongue against that and simply listened.

"Listen, your Brazilian hooker here is going to leave with our crack real soon. You need to meet me where we sacrificed that cat. The black one that had three legs, not five."

It was secret code, obviously. In case the phone was bugged. It really meant 'Come over to my house. It's important.'

"Junpei, it's three in the fucking -"

"Oh, and remember, the password is 1103345."

A click.

That last part meant 'Buy me some cigarettes on your way over.'

To be honest, the phone was probably bugged. He was absolutely sure of it, but he was also sure that the ones doing it could just as easily intercept his brain waves so it was kind of rediculous in the long run. 

A few minutes, the last third of a stale cherry coke, and a series of muttered curses later, Aoi was sitting in his car and driving towards Junpei's place. Tapping his fingers against the wheel, he waited for some warm air to blow through his car, and tried not to think about Dr. Klim.

 All that was on the radio at this time ended up either being white guys with acoustic guitars, Spanish, or crappy talk shows that caused him to wonder how many people were listening at all. Even of it wasn't three am.  

" - it's going to end up with the Titanic all over again. Too many people in one place and bam. We're gonna end up sinkin'!"

That wasn't really how the Titanic sank. Everyone knew how the Titanic really sank. It hit ice and decided to embrace the ocean's grey waves. What was this host even talking about?

His eyes moved to the rear view mirror. He swore he'd seen something in the darkness behind him. No. There wasn't a thing there but pole dancing shadows banked on messing with the eyes of the awake-too-damn-early. He thought about Dr. Klim.

Dr. Klim was a reseacher who, late one night at a time after midnight but before the almost three-thirty Aoi himself was on the edge of, was driving home. So, he's driving normally in the dark streets, when he feels a strange tingling on his legs.

Glancing down, he finds a strange bit of movement by his feet. Something different than shadows. So, he turns on his light and finds hundreds - no, thousands - of jet black spiders. The size of your palm, probably. Pooling and covering his feet.

Now, the things start to crawl up his legs. Needle legs poking his skin as they crawled inside his pant legs. Marching up to his knees with the light reflecting off of their crimson eyes. They're moving all over his feet and legs. So, understandably, he kinda flips. Yanking the wheel, himself, and his car into a ditch next to the road.

Once he was pulled out of the wreck of his car, he told the story in what could be considered a horrified ramble. Only to be told that not a single trace of any spiders were in the car.

If that was the end of the story, you could write it off as nothing. But Dr. Klim didn't get the relied of an end. He kept on seeing things from that day on. Not a thing in the world - therapy, drugs, theoretical physics - could save him. 

Besides that, he was completely fine. He could do his job like a pro on Tuesday and on Wednesday he would claim to be seeing some of the most insane things anyone had ever heard of.

...who do you go to for something like that? 

Aoi pulled up to Junpei's building. Immediately, a wave of dread washed over him that he could never escape once he opened his car door. He wasn't sure how Junpei lived like this. Downwind from the plant and an apartment that could probably be accessed via window despite being on the fifth floor.

Whatever though. He pulled himself together and walked uP the flights of stairs that lead him to the apartment he knew quite well as his friend's. Knocking on the door, it was opened and he was consequently dragged inside.

Before he could even look to see what kind of shape Junpei was in, a gestured hand caught and dragged his attention to a scared young woman on Junpei's worn and honestly shitty fucking couch.

"Aoi, this is Diana. She needs our help."

People like Dr. Klim and this girl, Diana, they didn't go to Aoi and Junpei for help for leaky faucets or building a wardrobe. The two of them had a specialty.

He tried to be discreet as he took a good look at the girl in front of him. The look on her face was the thing that caught his attention before anything else.

Her eyes were hazed with an image that played before them. Something she was unable to rid of from her plagued and spinning mind. It played over and over and over again until she couldn't see a foot in front of her anymore. 

Aoi knew that look well.

She was probably close to their age. Blue eyes that reminded him of ocean waters, and pale skin that was peppered with freckles. Orange hair that curled down her shoulders. Her hair was probably the prettiest thing in the whole room. She had a long, flowing skirt that her fingers played with nervously. She looked soft, and fragile, and gave him the impression of the nervous and kind type. The type you wanted to wrap in a blanket and tell everything would be alright in the end. There was a white bandage expertly against her temple.

Junpei walked over to the corner of his apartment that was used for his kitchen, and soon returned with a cup of coffee that he gently placed in Diana's hands. Aoi had to resist rolling his eyes. In this run down junk of an apartment, Junpei's almost therapist-like professionalism was pretty ridiculous. Since Aoi could walk over and point out the fire hazard of wires that connected four video game consoles to his television.

Junpei normally had his brown hair covering one of his glaring eyes. His eyes gleamed with a faint red over brown, and he'd never given any kind of explanation for that. Still, he always seemed kind of emo with it. Even without black makeup, he had the dark wardrobe down to a 't' most times. Though, now, his hair was pulled back into a crappy ponytail, and he'd tossed on one of the most colorful thing he owned - a red and black plaid shirt. His blue vest was thankfully still in his closet somewhere. Probably in between his leather jacket and Junpei himself.

Anyway.

Aoi half wondered if he should warn Diana about Junpei's coffee. Considering it tasted similarly to what you'd find inside a glow stick mixed with vinegar and crushed life dreams. And the dirt found at the bottom of the cup it was in. Though, before he could decide to say anything, Junpei spoke up. "Diana, tell us your story."

She raised her worried eyes to Aoi. "It's... Um... It's my boyfriend. He won't leave me alone... He's been harassing me for maybe a week or so. My parents are gone, on vacation, and I'm... I'm really scared to go home..." 

Shaking her head, apparently out of words, she sipped the coffee Junpei gave her. Immediately after, she grimaced and looked to the dark drink as if it had bitten her when she took a sip.

"Miss..."

"...Gray." She answered, barely audible.

"Miss Gray, I really say that you go to a women's shelter. They can help you out, keep you safe, whatever you need. There a two or three in this city alone, and I can call for y -"

"He, my boyfriend I mean, he's been dead for two months."

Aoi let out a long sigh. Junpei cast him a glance. The one that said 'see how I deliver for you?' He really hated that look. Still, she went on.

"I.. I didn't know where else to go. I heard, you know, through a friend a mine that you handle... unusually problems..." She gently pushed aside a stack of DVD cases on an end table. Then, she set down the mug of coffee on what she probably thought was a tablecloth of sorts. Aoi didn't tell her that it was actually a pair of Junpei's pants. She glared at the mug as if to remind herself not to take another drink - lest it kill her. She turned back to Aoi.

"They say you're the best."

He didn't say that whoever called the two of them "the best" had super low standards. They were probably the best in town, but who do you brag about this stuff to? Not like there was a section in the phone book or they could put up something on Angie's List or anything.

He walked over to a cushioned chair, and picked up all of the contents from inside. (Four magazines, a useless sketch pad, three pens, and a leather bound King James Version of the Holy Bible) and settled into the seat. A leg promptly snapped off, and the chair slumped over at a completely odd angle. Aoi leaned over casually, pretending that he expected to happen in the first place.

"Okay. When he shows up, can you see him?"

"Yes... I can hear him, too. And, uh, he..."

She gently brushed the bandage on the side of her head. Aoi raised an eyebrow in surprise. Was she serious?

"He hits you?"

"Yes..."

"With his fist?"

"Yes."

"Man." Junpei jumped in, after taking a sip of his coffee. "What a dick!"

This time, Aoi did roll his eyes, but once they finished he glared over to Junpei. Now, if you're ever seen a ghost, it probably didn't run over and deck you in the face. Fist to your jaw. That probably didn't happen to any of your friends, either. 

"From our experience," Junpei said, "spirits who can manipulate objects in our world are just as rare as regular people who can move things with their minds. But spirits that can give themselves a physical form are pretty powerful. And even rarer." He probably read that somewhere, to be honest.

"When it first happened..." Diana said, "I thought I was going crazy. Up until now... I've never bel-"

"-believed in ghosts, right." Aoi finished. That was the line that was always there in the fake stories. Everyone wanting to come off as the credible skeptic. "Look, Miss, I don't want to-"

"I tools her we would look into it tonight." Junpei spoke up, brushing Aoi off before he introduced some rational thought into the situation. "He's haunting her house, out in [Town name removed for privacy]. I thought you and I could go over there, get out of this city for the night, show this guy what is what."

Aoi felt irritation rising up inside of him. Because he knew that Junpei knew the story was bullshit. Though, it suddenly clicked. Yeah, Junpei knew, but he had called him because he was trying to set Aoi up with this girl. Cute, dead boyfriend, and a chance to be a hero. He felt both the urge to thank him for his efforts and also punch him in the balls.

Eighteen different objections rose up in his mind. And all at once they canceled one another out completely. Maybe if there had been an odd number...

...

They all rode in Aoi's car. Both Junpei and Aoi told Diana that she shouldn't drive in case she had a concussion, but it was really because, whether her story was true or not, they both had memories of Dr. Klim and his unusually spidery car. See, he'd found out the hard way that the dark things lurking in the shadows didn't haunt dilapidated houses or abandoned ships. They haunted the mind.

 Diana sat in the passenger's seat of the truck, her fingers still grasping her skirt's fabric like a life line. "So... Do you guys... do this a lot?"

"Sometimes." Junpei jumped in from the back seat, "We've been doing this for a few years now."

"How does someone even get into something like this?"

"There was an incident." Junpei said, glancing out the window. "A series of incidents, if I'm specific. A dead guy. Few more dead guys. Some, well, a lot of drugs. It's kind of a long story. Now we see things. Sometimes I have this dead cat that follows me around. It wonders why I don't feed it. And I once had a hamburger moo at me. Do you remember that?"

 _It wasn't mooing, Junpei._  Aoi didn't correct him. _It_ _was screaming._

Diana didn't seem to be listening anymore, yet Junpei spoke on.

"I think Aoi and I gained the ability to gaze into Hell. Only we found out that Hell is right here. It's all through all of us and around all of us and in all of us too. Like the microbes that swarm through your lungs, guts, veins, and - Oh hey, an owl."

They all looked. It was an owl. Alright.

"...Anyway." Aoi butted in before Junpei could talk more. "Turns out that this is really the only useful skill that came of it. We did a few favors for a few people. And eventually word got around."

Aoi felt that was enough background, and also he wanted to stop Junpei before he got to the part where he said he kept eating that screaming hamburger. Down to the last bite.

The white haired boy jumped out of his truck at his house, leaving it running as he headed to gather supplies. Going around the side of the house, he opened three different locks on a shed that was practically falling apart. Brushing aside shadows with a flashlight, he began to sort through all the things thrown inside. There was a doll that, at times, would cry tears of blood. A pair of dice that, supposedly anyway, would kill you if you rolled nine. On a shelf was a jar that held a bunch of termites that were clumped together vaguely into a human eye. 

Soon, he found what he needed, and picked up a medieval-style torch that may or may not have been stolen from a themed restaurant. Going into the house, Aoi called Gab before grabbing a large boom box and five different cassettes. Some gardening gloves, black candles that smelled of cherry, and he grabbed a bottle of blue liquid. However, as he did, it turned a bubbling orange. He set it back down and opened a kitchen cabinet, opening a container and tossing a handful of chunks into his pocket. Pink, rubbery chunks. With gab following, he hopped into his car, and hit the road.

Diana lived in a plain two-story house on a farm. Windows with wooden shutters and Aoi was surprised not to find a hand painted fence around it. The house itself was an island in a sea of cornfields. A red mailbox and a hand painted sign out front that read "The Grayson's - Established 1962." Junpei and Aoi had a long debate at the door over if the apostrophe belonged there.

Stop yelling. In hindsight, both of them both would have walked away right there if they had a brain.

Junpei walked up and opened the door, the wood creaking open into the darkness of the home. Then, he stepped aside from the doorway, and Aoi walked up. Pulling out one of the pink chunks from his pocket, he looked down at it. Really, it was just a steak shaped dog treat with little brown grill lines.

For a moment, Aoi hesitated as he realized that the grill lines didn't even matter to the dog. It was purely for him.

"Gab." He called, and the small pup came trotting up to the door.

Aoi waved the treat in front of him, before tossing it inside the dark house. Gab ran in after it, and the three of them waited at the door. You know for, say, the sound of a dog being murdered. Though, all that they heard was Gab's paws against the floor. Eventually, he came back to the door with an excited smile.

Then, Junpei and Aoi decided it would be safe to go inside. Diana opened her mouth as if to express some disapproval, but shut it and stayed quiet. As everyone stepped into the dark living room, she went to flick on the lights, but Aoi stopped her.

"Leave it."

Junpei held up the torch and brought a lighter to the top, it quickly catching fire and lighting the room with a flickering flame. Aoi spotted a thermos of Junpei's coffee. This "favor" was already coming to be an all-nighter. Though, that coffee certainly did keep you awake with its horrific taste. 

"Where do you see him, mostly?" Aoi asked, and Diana began to mess with her skirt again, eyes darting around the room.

"The basement." She answered, grabbing a fist full of fabric. "It's in the kitchen, but... I... I really don't want to go down there."

"It's cool." Junpei said, heading to the kitchen. "Stay with the dog up here, and the two of us can check it out." So, the two of them began to step down the staircase, the torch burning the darkness away as the two descended. Diana stayed at the top, petting Gab gently.

In the end, it was just a nice, modern basement. A washed and dryer, a freezer that went waist deep, and a water heater making a soft sound in the background.

"He's not here." Junpei said.

"Big surprise."

The two stood around for a moment, before Junpei used the torch to light a cigarette. 

"She seems like a nice girl, you know?" Junpei spoke up, his voice soft. "She reminds me a lot of Clover. I'm sure you know Clover. When she came to my door, I thought it was her for a second. Though she was wea - " After that, Aoi mostly tuned him out, looking around the basement. Though, he knew that something was off... Something... It was in the back of his mind, but he couldn't place it.

Junpei leaned over a large sink with a bundle of white cloth draped over the side. He let out short snort of laughter. "Hey, Aoi, it's our home flag." He said, and Aoi turned to see what looked to be a white apron. Well, besides the faded red splotch right in the middle. Junpei got an eye roll for his joke, before Aoi turned to the freezer.

He turned to the freezer door, and for a moment, he paused. Before he tugged it open and looked inside. 

"Oh man."

The first thing he saw was a tongue. Rubbery and deep purple, not quite human. It was long, animal-like and twisted at an odd angle against the plastic ziploc bag it was held in. Covered completely in frost. Yet, it did have friends. Hunks of flesh in clear bags and some in white paper that was stained pink.

Butcher paper.

White apron.

"Well, I think we cracked it." Junpei said, his tone sarcastic. "Those stories of UFO's mutilating cows? We've just solved it." He said, gesturing a thumb to the freezer.

"It's a deer, jackass." Aoi said, unamused. "He's a hunter, apparently. That's what they do. Freeze meat they hunt."

"Apparently? That means you're not a hunter? What a shock."

Aoi ignored him and continued to dig through the freezer. Only to find normal things farther down. Sausages and a turkey. Ham. Sorts of meat. No one here was a vegetarian, he guessed. Closing the lid, Aoi sighed, grinding his teeth.

Something was off... It was too late at night, not enough sleep, and he couldn't find it.

Junpei began to check cabinets, while Aoi looked for the boom box before realizing it wasn't there. It bothered him for some reason, and he didn't know why. It was upstairs with Diana, right?

"Hey, Aoi. Do you remember the guy who had his basement horribly flooded, then called us swearing that he had a fifteen foot great white shark down there?"

He did, but he didn't answer. Afraid he'd lose his train of thought about whatever this issue was. Something he couldn't quite grasp no matter what he did. Besides, when they'd got to that guy's house anyway it wasn't even a great white. Just a tiger shark. So they told him to call them when it dried out, and then they'd help. Though, when the water dried out, the shark just vanished with it. Evaporated to the heavens.

He couldn't even explain that one. It was a shark. Sharks needed water, right? Even so, what were they supposed to do about it at all. Blow it up? Yeah, have you met the two of them?

Think. Aoi told himself. Something is bad, no more shark, something is off. Think.  _Think._

He tried to pull himself away from his tangent, thinking of the boom box once more. He'd found it at a garage sale. It was probably used by 80's break dancers in its past. They only got it because of a story in the Old Testament. Some guy driving away an evil spirit by playing the harp. Kind of the same premise, sorta.

_Wait a second-_

"Junpei. Did I hear you say you thought Diana looked like Clover?"

"Yeah."

"Junpei... Clover. Pink pigtails. Top heavy. School girl outfit and stripper boots. Forest green eyes."

"Yeah, sweet girl, though."

"And you think Diana looks like her? The girl sitting upstairs?"

"Yeah..." Junpei said, turning to Aoi, already understanding.

"Junpei, Diana has blue eyes. With red hair and freckles."

Junpei sighed, picking his cigarette out of his mouth and angrily flicking it to the floor.

"Dammit."

 The two of them turned back to the stairs, stepped up, and stopped as they saw Diana sitting there. Halfway down the stairs, with one hand still petting Gab gently. Looking innocent. Playing the part. Her worried figure shining in the torchlight.

Aoi took a step towards her, and spoke. "Tell me something, Miss... What is your last name again?"

"Diana is fine."

"Still, remind me anyway. I hate forgetting things."

"Gray."

He took another step towards her, "What I thought."

Junpei was close behind, and Aoi stepped another stair closer to her.

"So, would you mind telling me. Whose house is this?"

"W-What?"

"The sign out front says Grayson. Son. Gray-son. Oh, and would you mind describing your apperance for me?" Aoi said, brushing hair out of his face.

"I... I don't..."

"You see, Junpei and I are seeing completely different versions of what you look like. Junpei has eyesight problems because of his constant masterbation, but I don't believe -"

She exploded into snakes.

Really. One moment she was a girl sitting on the staircase, and the next her body had simply vanished into a pike of snakes that piled on top of one another. Dark and writhing all over and down the stairs. The two of them kicked the reptiles down into the basement as they passed, Junpei fending them off with the torch. Some of the snakes had patches of collor against their slick scales. Fabric from her skirt, patches of her flesh, and one Aoi noted had the ocean blue eye stuck to it.

A little late, Gab jumped back and barked in warning. Snapping at one of the snakes Junpei kicked down. Then, the dog ran up the steps and through the door. Aoi and Junpei hopped over the diminishing pile of snakes and to the door when it slammed shut all on its own. 

The Kurashiki reached for the doorknob when it began to change. Transform in shape and size and color. It lightened into a pink color, and soon took the shape of a, to put it lightly, a dick. Not the sporting goods type but what you'd find in your pants. It smacked against the door and Aoi backed away immediately, turning to Junpei.

"That door cannot be opened."

Junpei stared at it and then shrugged. "Why don't you jack it?"

"What?"

"Well if you take it and make it hard, then maybe it -"

"Okay shut up."

They headed back down the small staircase, Junpei jumping down the last few steps. All of the snakes fled from the light of the torch that he held, taking refuge in the shadows under shelves and in corners.

It was that point that the basement began to fill up with complete shit.

It came from the drain in the center in the room, and soon enough it was against Aoi's shoes. He glances around for a moment. Two. Then, he heard Junpei speak up. "There!"

Turning, he saw the other grab a plastic crate from a shelf and throw it against the ground. He jumped on top of it, before looking around the room. "Come on, I don't want to literally drown in bullshit!" He said, "We've got to seek a way out of here!"

Aoi, ignoring the disgustingly warm sludge pooling his ankles, looked around quickly. Soon, he spotted it. Their escape, and what was really a return air duct for the furnace. "Junpei!" He called, grabbing the other's attention and gesturing to the duct. Junpei turned to the shelf and picked up an almost foot long screwdriver, tossing it across the room to Aoi, who thankfully caught it.

Quickly, he jammed the head into the space between the metal and the ceiling. Using all of his might, he pulled the screwdriver down. Causing the two to separate with the high squeal of nails being pulled out of place. Then, grabbing the loose vent, he pulled it out of place and tossed it to the side. It had dug into his skin, but luckily hadn't broke it.

The only thing left barring their escape was a metal grate. One which Aoi jumped up and easily pushed to the side. Then, jumping again, he grabbed on the edge and felt the carpet against his fingers. He pulled himself upwards and after some awkward climbing found himself against the dirty white carpet in the living room.

Looking back to the hole in the floor, he spotted the flicker of the torch followed by Junpei's hand. It wasn't long after that when the two of them were on the floor of the living room breathing heavily in the darkness. 

Nothing. Nothing was around them but a regular living room.

Then, suddenly, they heard something that was... human. If something that both was human sounding and yet lacked any humanity could count as human. Yet, they both heard it. A dry, low laugh vibrating through the air around them.

"They just  _love_ to play games, don't they?" Junpei asked, glaring at the walls as if the laugh had escaped from them.

"It's all they've really got time for, you know."

Still, they both knew what they had to do now. It was common practice - drag it out of wherever it was hiding.

"Alright." Junpei said, standing up as he tossed Aoi his lighter. "You light some candles, and I'll go stand in the shower naked."

Aoi listened to the steps of Gab as he walked around the house, lighting candles about the place. Not enough to really light up the place, but more to make it a little creepy. Then, he found a bathroom Junpei wasn't in and washed off his shoes.

Over the sounds of running water, he heard Junpei. "Oh no! It's so dark in here and I'm in the shower! All alone! So very vulnerable!"

Aoi could actually hear the sarcasm that the other had to choke back on to make this absolutely ridiculous scenario more believable. No doubt he was holding back a laugh, too. Not that Aoi blamed him.

Kurashiki, out of things to actually do, found a bedroom and laid down. Checking the watch on his wrist, he almost let out a groan. It was almost five in the morning, and he had no idea how long he was going to be there.

It could be hours, or it could be days. There was nothing but time. All that they've got is time. Gab sat down on the floor next to the bed, and Aoi glanced to him. He reached down to pet him, and yet he began to lick his hand as most dogs did. He wondered why they always did that. It was probably just a dog thing, or something.

After about twenty minutes, Junpei came back wearing, undoubtedly, the smallest towel that he could find. He lowed his voice, and Aoi watched the water drip off of his hair. "I saw a hatch for what I think is the attic. I'm gonna see what's up there. Maybe there's a scary locker it can pop out of." He said, sarcasm flowing through his words.

Aoi nodded, and Junpei returned it before he raised his voice almost rediculously so. "Oh no! We are trapped here! All alone! I will go see if I can find help!" 

"Yes!" Aoi answered. Loudly. "Maybe we should split up!" 

Junpei left the room after tossing the other a smile, and Aoi leaned back on the bed. He tried to relax, perhaps even doze off. Ghosts always sneak up on your when you're asleep. He scratched Gab, faintly hearing Junpei mess around down the hall. Aoi, meanwhile, was way too tired. He was always missing sleep lately, and it was always catching up on hi-

...

Sleep hazing his mind. The warmth of licking against his hand. And a soft splashing sound from a room nearby. He had dreamed that a shadow had stood from the ground and clawed its way towards him. Most of his dreams were like that anyway. Based off of something that actually happened.

His eyes opened quickly, his arm still hanging off of the edge of the bed. The feeling of a tongue against his hand clear in his mind. How long had he been asleep? A minute or two? Or an hour or two? Where was Junpei? Had he died? Probably not. That bastard always ended up coming back.

Sitting up, he used his dry hand to wipe his eyes of his sleep and adjust to the darkness. The only light being the dim light from the hall from the candle in the bathroom. 

Aoi got off at the end of the bed, before quietly heading across the room and into the hallway. Then, down the hall, towards the flickering light of the candles and the sounds of splashing. As he ran his hand across the wallpaper, he approached carefully, realizing the sound wasn't splashing. But instead slurping. He peered inside.

Only to see Gab drinking from the toilet. When he stepped into the room, Gab turned at his and turned his head to the side, almost unsure of why Aoi was giving him a strange look. As he realized ths sound was nothing, he also wondered if Gab was drinking toilet water from the same mouth he used to lick his hand. Then, he realized, if Gab was here then he couldn't have been the one to lick his hand.

Taking the candle from the counter of the bathroom, Aoi headed back to the bedroom he was in before. Stepping inside, the shadows running from the moving light of the candle, he walked to the side of the bed and looked to see...

Meat. Familiar meat he had seen in the basement. The wrapped and now partically unwrapped hunks of flesh from the freezer. All lying on the ground in the rough shape of a man. 

Moving the candle to where the head should be, he spotted the body of a frozen turkey still in the wrapper and inbetween the turkey head and the torso was lodged the deer tongue flapping around.

_Well. That was different._

He took a step back as the form began to move. It moved surprisingly fast for a creature made of frozen meat, planting it's hands with sausage fingers onto the floor and pushing itself upwards. Standing proudly and a head or two above Aoi. With arms of hens and bacon and ribs that were actually ribs, it looked like the worst mascot for a meat shop over.

"Junpei! Junpei, we've got something here!" 

Its turkey head moved side to side, surveying the room as the tongue moved with motion and nothing else, just flapping uselessly. Then, suddenly, it pointed a sausage at him.

" _You._ "

It was said as an accusation. Aoi wondered if they had fought this thing before, but he didn't remember it. Then again he wasn't the best with remembering a face. If a turkey counted as a face.

"You have tormented me six times! Now, prepare to meat your doom!"

Aoi actually had no way of knowing if it said "meat" and not "meet" but he had hung around Junpei a bit too much, and he assumed the former. 

Still. After that, he ran.

"Junpei! We've got a Situation on my side here, and I'd just love your help!"

The creature darted after him, meat slapping against the ground a much more threatning sound then he wanted it to be. The candle he held went out, and he tossed it away. Then, he spotted a close door next to him. Stopping, he threw the door opened, only to let out a loud sigh.

Of course, he had happened to pick probably the one or two doors that was just a closet. After a moment of pure dissapointment, Aoi suddenly found the meat man and his sausage fingers wrapped around his neck. He was pinned the wall with a thud, and he clawed at the frozen fingers.

"You dissapoint me! All those times we have dueled... The desert, the city, and you thought you rid of me in Venice, hadn't you?!"

Aoi was almost distracted with how well the thing could talk to actually realize what it was saying. Had he said... Venice? What? 

Just then, Gab came trotting along. Everything all set and and dandy in dog land down there, when he spotted some meat nearby. So, he starts chewing on it, only to not realize it was practically the ankle of a man made of butchered and assorted meats.

It let out an angered scream, dropping Aoi. Quickly, the boy scrambled to his feet and ran down the stairs. The thing followed close behind.

Though, Junpei was waiting. Holding the boom box in his hands, the meat man was halfway down the stairs when he pressed the play button. Then, a crystal melody pervaded the room and the beast was thrown back by the sound. Thank you to the band Whitesnake.

" _Here I go again, on my own_

_Goin' down the only road I've ever known_

_Like a drifter I was born to walk alone"_

Grabbing the spots on the sides of the turkey where it would have had ears, it fell to its knees. Junpei stepped forward, holding the boom box like a shield in front of him, he brought it closer to the thing.

" _But I've made up my mind_

_I ain't wastin' no more time_

_But here I go again"_

Junpei let out a bark of laughter, "It looks like you should have taken the time to  _beef_ up your defenses!"

The abomination of slaughtered animals clutched its abdomen. In pain, the two had assumed, but by the time they realized what was really happening it was too late to do anything. It had pried a canned ham loose from its body, and before Junpei could make a move, it hurled the can at the stereo as if they were playing baseball on the stairs.

It was a direct and hard hit. A mix of plastic and sparks flew, and the broken thing fell out of Junpei's hands and hit the stairs with a thud. Junpei jumped down to the floor level, and the beast rose to its feet, leaping down in pursuit.

It grabbed Junpei by the neck, snatching at Aoi but he dodged and grabbed the thermos of Junpei's crappy coffee on the table nearby. Seems it was going to be useful, as he unscrewed the lid and tossed the contents onto the arm that was being used to choke Junpei.

The meatstroncity screamed in agony as the scorching coffee caused his arm to Skokie and bubble, then catching fire. It blackened quickly, before peeling from the rest of the frozen body and falling to the ground. Junpei was freed, falling to the floor and gasping for air.

The monster yelled, falling to only one knee. Then, using its only remaining arm, it pointed at Aoi.

"You'll never defeat me, Hongou! I have sealed this house with my power, and you cannot escape!"

Aoi stopped, raising a brow as he approached. "Hongou? As in... Gentarou Hongou? The guy who runs the stupid Mysteries of the World or whatever show on Discovery Channel?"

"Dumbass." Junpei choked out, slowly standing as he caught his breath. "Hongou is super old, probably older than Aoi and I combined. Neither of us have any grey hairs, and have you seen that guy lately? Probably not, but we're not your nemesis or whatever. The actual one is probably giving some seminar, standing in a pile of his own money."

The thing turned its turkey to Aoi.

"Hey, how about this," Aoi began to offer, "If I can get you in touch with Hongou, and you can work out whatever deep seated anger you have, will you let us go?"

"You lie!"

"No, no, we know him. We're in the same business and all, so we've got some connections. I can't get him here, but being a super powerful spirit like you, you can probably destroy him from a distance or whatever, yeah?"

It watched closely as he fished his phone from his pocket, dialing a number from his contacts. It took talking to a secretary, a press agent, a bodyguard, an operator, the secretary for a second time, and then at last a personal assistant, but he got through.

"It's Hongou." A calm man spoke, "My assistant says you have a meat monster?"

"Yeah. Hold on one sec."

He offered to phone to Meaty, looking up at the turkey. "Do we've got a deal?"

The thing stood, hesitated, and then nodded as much as something in its form could. He handed the phone over, and its voice boomed menacingly into the speaker.

"And we meat again, Hongou! You had thought that you vanquished me, but here I -"

Then, it exploded into a ball of holy blue light. With a shriek that pierced the heavens no doubt, it left their world and the meat it was made of fell lifelessly to the ground. The cell phone falling to the ground nearby.

Silence...

"Dammit, he's good." Junpei muttered, and Aoi walked over and picked the phone back up. Putting it back to his ear to ask the guy what he had just done, he found only the voice of the slightly impatient secretary. He turned it off. Seems Hongou didn't even hang around long enough to say hi or anything.

"Well, that was pretty fucking stupid." Junpei sighed, rubbing his palm into his eye.

The front door opened very easily when Aoi tried it. Or maybe it wasn't locked at all. It wasn't like they really checked. The two of them took the time to clean up the place, finding it completely empty. The real family probably was on vacation, if Diana was saying anything truthful. The basement wasn't a pile of shit and snakes, but they couldn't fix the duct they'd broken. They packed the meat back into the freezer the best that they could, well, with one exception.

The sun was already breaking the dark horizon when Aoi shut the door to car, finally back home. He went out back and opened his tool shed, setting the broken boom box inside. Then, taking an empty jar and filling it with formaldehyde, he dropped the deer tongue into it. Placing it on the shelf, he leaned the sometimes bloody eyed voodoo doll against it and walked out.

Locking the shed, he went inside, and headed to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't write anyone properly. Shit.


End file.
